Empty

It’s been awhile since I’ve written.  I don’t know why.  I felt generally crummy last week and shit just happened and I’m feeling behind.  This is all very silly, because I’m not “behind” in anything.  I think I just took a timeout from life for a week and a half or so.  Last week I really needed it.  And before that, well, I went to yoga, but not much else. I think that much of this is readjusting to life back at home, to acclimating my life to new dreams and possibilities, and just generally feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

I did just spend an amazing weekend in Chico with some dear friends, and I’m finally starting to feel like myself again.

But I still feel behind.  I’m five days behind in my Creative Genius challenge.  My backpack is still in the middle of my living room from my trip I got back from two weeks ago.  Yesterday I did a week’s worth of dishes.  Let’s not talk about the writing.

Yeah, this is all self-created madness.

So I feel like all this shit has been stockpiling in my body and my mind and I’m just feeling super weighed down.  Literally.  Today I felt like I carrying a rock around in my belly.

My ever-so-helpful ego tried to use my little tummy issue as an excuse to stay at home and not go to yoga, to take a nap on the couch, to ignore the backpack again and pretend like I don’t have to leave my apartment.  But I went to yoga, damn my ego.

The weirdest thing happened.  I’m on my tummy after a rather vigorous vinyasa involving warriors (all of them), triangle, flip dog, and some other madness and the instructor tells us to turn our head with our ears on to ground and to empty.  Empty everything, she tells us.  Let it all go.

I can feel all this crap, all this generally ickiness, all the doubt that I’ve been having about myself, about the life I’m creating for myself, all the stupidity at work, all the feelings of being “behind”, all the bad thoughts I’ve been having about my body, my spirituality, my career choices, my love life, everything, I felt it just start to release.

I had to choke back tears.  I’m not even sure I realized that it was all there until this moment.

I read a lot of yoga blogs.  And lots of them talk about some postures just make you cry sometimes.  Not because it’s hard (although that can be the case) but because it just opens some door inside of you and everything comes out.  I read that this happens in camel a lot.

But I never thought it would happen to me.

There I am, lying on the floor, holding back tears because I don’t know anyone in the class and they’re really nice but it still doesn’t feel like “my” studio and I already feel like I’m behind everyone else and I just don’t want to cry, damn it.  I don’t want to cry.

It’s OK that I didn’t allow myself to cry in class today.  Maybe it’ll happen again and I’ll be able to cry.  And maybe that will be a good thing.

Or maybe I’ll just cry here at home where I can snuggle with my cat and not feel stupid about it.  And just be done with it.  Be empty.

And ready to start again.

2 responses

  1. Nothing better than a good cry every once in awhile. It’ll happen again when it’s time.

    Keep up the good work Carmen! Reflection, writing, catharsis, all of it!

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