How to get through writer’s block, or, what to do when tragedy strikes

I’ve been thinking for a long time about what I am going to write about next.

I’ve been thinking so long about this, that it became weeks, and then months in between posts.  I never forgot about it, it just never happened.

Life just, you know, happened.

So what happened in those few weeks?  Two of my dear friends got married and had a rockin’ wedding.  I ran a two week summer program for nearly 100 13 and 14 year olds.  I spent five days in musical bliss at High Sierra Music Festival, my happy place.  I saw good friends.  I drank good wine.

In short, I lived.

I think we start on this “self help” journey – whether it be spiritual, academic, or physical (or all of the above), we have a tendency to get so caught up in the end product that we forget that we’re here to just live.  It’s the journey.

I know I forget that a lot. I’m so worried about the end product  (“Am I getting better?” “Am I making the right choices to achieve x, y and z?”) that I forget that it’s the process that really counts. (Did you read the article I posted yesterday?  This really helped me.)

And then something happens and you forget all about that.

I will admit, that I’ve been thinking about this for the past week or so.  And then this happened.  It’s shocking that someone would choose to take so many lives.  And for what?

I am deeply saddened by this.

But something else weird happened today. I am in a spectacular mood.  Like sparkly and smiley and just plain ol’ happy.  I’ve been in a rather crummy mood all week.  It’s hard to figure out how these feelings can coexist.

I guess the only way to do it is to just live.  You never know what’s going to happen tomorrow.  And really, it shouldn’t matter.

So, today, I’m going to take deep breaths.  I’m going to send out love to the whole world, because I think we all need it.  I’m going to smile.  I’m going to hold on to a few cute babies.  I’m going to tell my friends and family that I love them.  (Friends and Family!  I love you!)  And I’m going to stop worrying about the end result, because really, what else matters?

I’m back!

Hi Friends!

Did you forget about me?  It’s OK if you did.  I’ve been MIA for awhile.  We’ll call it an unexpected writing sabbatical.

The itch to write is back and I have LOTS to talk about, but of course I can’t talk about it now.  (I’m at work.  Oopsie.)

Anyway, to engage you at least just a little bit, here’s an article I ran across today on the world wide web that is pretty descriptive of what I’m going through right now. Click Me!

I’ll be back soon!

All In

This blog has altered so much from what my original intentions were.  I started it because people were curious about my 30 day elimination diet (I know you were all wondering how I did without booze for 30 days) and continued into my story of dealing with Hashimoto’s disease in the best way I can.  I thought I could help someone else make positive, healthy changes in their life and feel better. I know what it’s like to feel like shit and not know why.  I thought perhaps I could reach someone out there.

It’s changed again to my story of finding myself – a process that probably seems long and arduous to many of you.  But it’s changed because I’ve come to understand that my health is intrinsically connected to the way my feelings and thoughts about myself.  Dr. Wayne Dyer posted a great quote on Facebook today from Rumi, who happens to be one of my favorites.  I’m paraphrasing here, but it basically says that if you want to change the world, start with yourself.

For those of you who know me personally, you know that I’m a crusader.  I find things that I’m passionate about and I want to fight for them.  I fight daily for my students’ lives as an educator for underserved urban high school students.  I fight nearly daily for my second cause, food justice and literacy.  Both of these causes are important to me – both I feel are necessary to a healthy culture, both literally and metaphorically.

But first, I must start with myself.  And I guess that’s what I’m doing here, although I didn’t realize it until I read that quote.  Thank you for reading, for supporting me on this journey.

You’ve probably noticed or figured out by now that I’m a self-help addict.  I think this has a lot to do with wanting to continue the path I started on with my life coach a little over a year ago.  I don’t want to stop learning about myself, and I don’t think I’m to the point where I can stop thinking about how I treat myself better and live the life I want to live. (And why would I want to?)

Anyway, I get sent a lot of stuff.  I read a lot of stuff.  For those of you who are actual real life Facebook friends with me you know I post a lot of it.  Two things hit my inbox this morning and I’ve been thinking about them all day.

The first was an email from TUT-The Universe.  I’m not sure how I found this thing, but “The Universe” emails you daily with little reminders.  It’s awesome.  It’s always a thought or a question that really makes you think.  So, here’s mine for today:

“Some of the coolest dreams that ever came true, Carmen, weren’t dreams at all, but standards that simply weren’t compromised. 

Oh yeah, we takin’ over… 
    The Universe”

Um, what?  So you’re telling me that my standards were too low all along?  Is that what’s going on?

And then there’s always a kicker after the little sign off:

“Carmen, always being your best, shining your brightest, and standing as tall as you can, pays far more dividends than one might ever imagine.”

WHAT??

I was having a tough time with this one today.  WTF does that mean?  At first, I was a little pissed (which generally means it stuck a chord).

It really made me think about what my “standards” are.  Do I even know?

And then I get this from Your Kick Ass Life:

“So what is something that is bugging the crap out of you, that you can simply ask for help in changing?”

So, you’re telling me that all I had to do all along was ask for it?

Shine your brightest, keep up your standards for yourself and then just ask for what I want to change?

Jesus, is it that simple?

And then I proceeded to freak out.

See, this is why I need self-help.

Here’s the thing.  I honestly believe that if I do these things, I will get what I want out of life.  This is an incredibly powerful thought.  It’s like a genie in a bottle.  It’s incredibly empowering, and incredibly fucking scary.

There’s no alternative though.  I have to do it.  Because if I don’t, I’ll always wonder.  So I’m going to take my chances, and jump.  I’m all in.

So, I was sitting at a bar…

A weird thing happened to me last night.  I was sitting at a bar, watching a band.  I was with a group of friends, but I lost them and just decided to chill and hang out.  I started talking to this girl, and I have no idea what we were talking about, but out of no where she says something to the effect of, “You know, you’d get a lot more guys if you had a different purse.  That purse scares a lot of guys off.”

(I’m not sure it’s necessary to know what kind of purse I have, but it’s handmade bag from Thailand.  This purse has a story.  I love this purse.  It’s me.)

There are lots of things wrong with what she said.  The worst is that she continued – apparently I don’t dress right and don’t wear enough makeup.

For those of you who know me in real life, you know how I dress.  You know I don’t wear much makeup.  I’m not critisizing anyone who wears more makeup than me or dresses differently than me, it’s just not me.

Anyway, she pretty much said that I had a nice personality and I’d attract more attention if I changed everything about my outside appearance.

I was offended.  I pretended like I wasn’t.  I laughed and asked her how old she was.  She was in her mid-20’s.  Right, I thought (maybe said).  When I was your age that’s all that mattered to me too.

This conversation has been weighing on me since.  I’m trying to figure out why this happened to me last night.  There aren’t any coincidences, something that I was thinking brought about this experience.  Was I feeling vulnerable?  Ugly?  Belittled?

Or maybe, I just needed her to say that so I could see how far I’ve come.

It was only a few years ago that her words would have really, really hurt me.  I’m not saying that they didn’t sting a bit, but then I realized that I don’t care at all what she thinks of me.  Or anyone else in that bar, for that matter.  I am who I am.  It’s taken me a long time to figure out that I don’t need makeup or expensive uncomfortable clothes to make people like me.  The people that really matter don’t care what I look like.  They appreciate the fact that I have a purse that I care about.  They like that I’m not the kind of girl who needs makeup or fancy clothes or whatever to prove my worth to the world.

I guess that’s it – I’ve learned that my true worth is what’s inside.  And as long as I like me, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.  Because the people who matter, who will stick around, care about what’s inside.

That girl didn’t get to learn how smart I am, or funny, or caring, or that’s I’ve traveled to exotic places and met amazing people and seen wonderful things.  That I’m a writer and a music lover  and I hate to do dishes and I’m a great friend.  But I know these things, and that’s all that matters.

So thank you, my friends, to the old ones and the new ones, and the friends I’ve made through blogging (which is proof that it really doesn’t matter what I look like to be my friend).  Thank you for helping me realize how great I am.

Sometimes things just hit you smack in the face

Perhaps that’s the longest blog title ever.  Perhaps not.  I’ll be on the look-out.

Anyway, remember when I said “Bring it” at the end of my last post?  This was a response from my good friend, former boss, and in general mentor to me:

Goethe says that when we make a decision – a real decision, not just a “want to” – that all the doors of the universe open to make it happen. You just said “bring it”; I just heard doors slapping open across the cosmos. :)

Whoa.  I mean really.  I believed her, I mean “kinda” believed her – in that “yeah, sure, whatever you say” kind of way.

But you know what?  As usual, she was right.

My inbox has been flooded with emails about all kinds of things that have been on my mind to make these things happen, from travel to writing to making your dreams come true and creating your own reality.  Facebook has articles and quotes popping up all over the place.  I guess they could have been there all the time, but now I’m finally ready to listen.  Not just listen, but DO.

I think we get so stuck in whatever our “reality” is at the moment (and that reality is always self-created) that it’s hard to see beyond our own noses.  I was stuck in this “my work sucks I’m sick I can’t do it I don’t want to fail I don’t want to look stupid I’m afraid” thought process that it was hard to see just how fucking easy it is to say YES.

I have lots of ideas, one of which I’m ready to talk about, and one that’s still forming in my mind.  One is a recent dream, the other I’ve had my entire life.  Guess which one I’m ready to talk about?  Yeah, the new one.  Weird how that works.  The thing that I’ve always wanted to do, that my heart has always lead me to, is the one things that scares me the most.  Not just scares, but shakes me to the core.  Because if I lose this, then I lose everything.

But you know what I’ve realized?  I’ll never lose it, because it is me.

 

I’d love to share a few of the blog posts that I’ve come across, and I will as I find them.  In the meantime, here’s one of them.  If you’re a fan of travel stories, I highly recommend that you follow this blog.

http://nomadgrad.com/2012/04/01/the-ask-all-tell-alls-of-nomadic-life-financing-your-fun/ 

 

I’m Back!

The official flag of Bali. Coat of Arms on top...

My first blog post since my trip and I’m struggling with what to say.

 

I can’t decide if it’s because I have too much to say, or not enough.  What does one say when they return from a trip that may or may not have changed their lives?

 

I know this blog is supposed to be about my struggles (and victories) with Hashimoto’s disease, but it has become much more than that.  While Hashimoto’s does not define me, it is a part of me, a part of my experiences.  There is no separating the disease from me.  So I guess what I’m saying is that if you’re reading this blog because you hope to get support in your own health struggles, that’s great and I hope to provide that, but you’ll have to slog through the other crap going on in my life as well.  Not that it’s all crap – honestly, most of my life is good, great even.  But one doesn’t write about only the good stuff, do they?  If that were the case we wouldn’t have some of the greatest writers and stories.

 

But I digress.

 

I suppose the reason why I haven’t written about Bali, why I “can’t” write about Bali is because so many of my feelings about it haven’t processed yet.  This was a trip like no other, in so many ways.  I hope to start processing them and writing about it soon.  I didn’t even write in my journal while I was gone (except twice) which is slightly annoying, but I also don’t write unless I have to.  (And I wonder why I can’t be a “writer” for a living.)  The spirit didn’t move me.  Or I avoided the spirit, which is the most likely answer.

 

I do know this: like when I returned from Thailand last year, I feel that a shift is occurring.  Like something is physically manifesting itself inside of me.  A change is afoot.  Or something like that.  Of course I have no idea what it is, but I also hope that it happens soon.  I’ve been waiting a year since Thailand – I wonder if my body just forgot that something was supposed to happen.  But now I feel ready – emotionally, physically, spiritually ready for what comes next.  Bring it.