Русский: Картина Николая Рериха "Агни Йог...

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I’m having a hard time writing.

That’s part of the reason why I haven’t been here.  But it’s really not writer’s block.  I have LOTS to write about.  It’s just a matter of wanting to say it, to admit it out loud.

That’s the problem with blogs, especially personal ones.  You have to open up, to admit things, to put things down on paper (or computer) that you would otherwise not want to share.  Sure, you could avoid it, but then who would read?  Why would they read?

I just couldn’t do it.  Didn’t want to do it.

But when you’re a writer, even if pen to paper or fingers to keys never actually happens is that you always think like a writer.   Your thoughts run through your brain like words on a page.

I haven’t been writing.  I’ve been resisting.  I’m frustrated and a little angry and upset and I didn’t want to talk about it.  I’m still not sure I want to talk about it.

But, the other things about a blog is that it keeps you accountable.  For some masochistic reason I want people to know what I’m thinking.  Why?  Good question.  I’m going to tell myself that it’s because someone out there might be thinking the same thing.  But really, it’s to quell this feeling inside myself.

I’m getting over a really gnarly cold.  I’ve been down since Monday.  Had to take several days off work because I just couldn’t move.  I’m still coughing and stuffy which is just lovely (even more so when I’m off to San Francisco for a concert this evening) but feel a lot better.  I feel alive again.  What’s frustrating about this is that I was feeling pretty good.  I felt like my life was coming back.  I was going to yoga again – and power yoga at that – and it felt good.  I felt good.  This happens rarely.  And then – BAM!  I’m sick.  I still can’t go to yoga.  Hanging your head upside down in down dog is no fun when you’re stuffy.  Nor is coughing.

So I’m frustrated.  I’m pissed that even though I’ve been really good on this crazy diet I’m still not losing any weight.  I’m annoyed that the crazy skin issue that I have on my hand is back.  I’m irritated that I can’t really breathe through my nose.  And I’m really ticked off at this cold because that’s what I’m going to blame this all on.

Is it the cold’s fault?  Maybe, maybe not.  Who knows when your immune system is totally screwed up.  I am happy that it’s the first cold I’ve had all year.  This is AMAZING when you work with germy teenagers.  But really, down for a week?  A cough for going on 10 days?  Enough already.

I’m trying to think about yoga, and what it teaches us about resistance.  You can’t push too hard, you can’t force yourself into perfection.  That pose may injure you if you force yourself into, say, camel.  You have to learn to ease back, to find the spot where you’re just pushing enough to grow, but not so much to injure.

It’s hard.  Especially for a impatient perfectionist like myself.  I want it now and I want it right.

I’m trying to see the good in this journey.  As I work myself back to health I’m discovering what is good for me and what is bad.  What makes me feel healthy and alive, and what makes me feel gross and sad.  This means that I have to find resistance, I have to find that spot where I just push myself enough to grow, but not so much that I scare myself off and want to retreat to my living room and hang out with my cat and eat Paleo cookies.

It’s not easy.  But I really believe that I can do this, that I am worth it.

In the meantime, you should make these cookies.  I swear they will make you feel better:

A few recommended readings on struggle and resistance for the week:

“Why being broken on your bathroom floor is a good idea” – from elephant journal

“The Value of Struggle” – I love Rumi, it’s a flashback to grad school and this quote is why – “You must set fire to have light”  – from Michelle Marlahan’s blog “Love Wasting Time”


3 responses

  1. Great post! I really enjoy your writing. I’m going to blame your bad salad experience for all this. 😉 You’ll make it back to your happy place, physically. It’s Spring! Cold season, be gone! Thanks for your honesty and openness as a writer. It pushes me to want to open up more on the page. So. hard. to do.

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