I’m worth it

James Darren, William Shatner, and Heather Loc...

I swear this picture makes sense later. And all blog posts are made better with William Shatner. Image via Wikipedia

You may have noticed my rant from yesterday.  I think I need to put in a little context, because I have much more to say about the subject and it deserves more than just me being pissed off about someone telling me I can’t cook in olive oil.

It seems to me, as I browse through the sites like the Paleo diet sites I’ve been running across that they are the same as every other diet website out there.  Everyone of them is promising them the same thing.  Choose this diet and you’ll lose 10-20-30 pounds!  It will change your life!  You’ll be sexy, happy, successful, desirable!

Here’s something I’ve learned through this insane crazy illness.  Losing the weight will not change the way you feel about yourself.  Happiness doesn’t come from being skinny.

All the stories sound the same.  There is always a testimonial about a woman (90% of the time it’s a woman) who’ve tried everything to lose weight.  Nothing worked until this miracle product!  This product could be Weight Watchers, it could be the gym down the road, it could be the Shake Weight, and yes, it could be a Paleo diet.

One story in particular talks about a woman who was very obese who lost a lot of weight though exercise and limiting calories.  After losing the weight she gained much of it back.  Her trainer said she had “issues”.

Well, DUH.  You don’t get to be well over 300 pounds without having issues of some sort!  Of course she needed to sort those out.  Why on earth would you just focus on the outside without addressing what happens in her mind, and in her heart?  The donuts and candy didn’t just hop in her body.  She made the choice to eat them.  She knew.

After a lifetime of up-and-down weight, I was probably at my most unhappy when I weighed the least.  I still didn’t think I was skinny enough.  (And I was skinny.  My mom tells me that I scared her a little.)  And do you want to know why I was unhappy?  Because it had absolutely nothing to do with my weight.

I am the same person no matter what I weigh. I have the same heart, the same soul.  I still love to travel.  I can probably still make you laugh (hopefully, anyway).  I am still smart.  I still work hard.  I still like to take long walks on the beach.  I still have curly hair.  I still talk too loud.  I still love yoga.  I still cry at Hallmark commercials.  I am still me.

Of course, I know that much of my weight issues, my depression, my energy issues, etc. stem from Hashimoto’s.  It’s impossible to say what I would weigh if I didn’t have this disease.  It would be impossible to say lots of things about myself if I didn’t have this disease.  It has become a part of me.  And while I don’t identify as being Hashimoto’s, it still defines much of my life and my relationship with my body.  But I can’t blame my all my issues on this disease.  And I can’t blame my weight on the fact that I just wasn’t following the trendy diet at the time.

I was drinking too much, not getting enough sleep, under too much stress, watching too much television, worried too much about what people thought about me, and frankly ignoring what was good and healthy for me.  Because I didn’t care.

There.  I said it.  I didn’t care.

When you don’t think you’re worthy you just don’t care.  You don’t care what you put into your body.  You don’t care how your body reacts.  You just don’t care.

Until I made the decision that I was worth it — that I was worth feeling good, strong,  healthy, happy, centered — I could never make the decision to change my diet.  I could never, ever, put myself first.  I couldn’t say, “Yes, I am SICK” (yes, that word again) “and yes, I am putting myself first and  yes, I’m not going to eat crap because it isn’t good for me.”  This sounds simple.  But I know that 99% of you reading this will agree that it’s not.

Now, I’m not perfect.  The last 19 days haven’t changed me that much.  But I’m working more on loving me, all of me.  I’m owning up to what choices I made to get myself to this point.  And I’m also acknowledging that some of it isn’t my fault because I am sick.  But it is now up to me, and only me, to take the steps necessary to improve my health.  To show the world that yes, I am worth it.

(You are totally allowed to repeat that last sentence in your best Heather Locklear voice and do a hair flip.)

So when someone asks me why I’m doing this crazy diet, I’m going to tell them that no, it’s not because it’s the newest health trend.  (Hello, gluten free is not a trend, people!)  It’s because I am finally taking responsibility for myself, my choices, and my diet.