New Directions (no, I’m not talking about Glee)

Something that I’ve discovered in my rather short life is that when things start happening, they happen rather quickly.

But never as quickly as you would like them to.

For example, in my last blog post, I wrote about my new dreams.  I can’t even describe how passionate I am about the new directions in my life (although I’m working on articulating it) and exciting about moving things forward.

But we in our little ego controlled worlds always think that things are going to happen quicker (or slower) than they actually do.  I would love to snap my fingers and become a published author (eek, I said it out loud) but the reality is that life doesn’t work that way.

As scary as it sounds, I already am a writer.  It seemed so obvious all along – I mean, I’m writing here, right? – but I’m not really a WRITER.  I don’t remember where I heard it, but to be a painter, you have to paint.  To be a writer, you have to write.  Guess what I don’t do (or don’t do much of).  So, to be a writer, I have to write.  Pen to paper.  Or hands to keyboard, whatever.

For those of you who don’t write (or maybe for those blessed among us, some that do) you don’t understand this.  Meh, it’s just putting words together and putting them down.

This freaks writers out to the core.

I had brunch with a dear friend of mine today who is a “writer”.  Like, she’s been published.  She’s won awards.  She’s freaking amazing.  Her words move me.  I asked her about her “process” (I’m not so sure that I’m dorky enough to actually use that word, but I may have.)  She laughed at me.

She has no discipline.  She writes when she has to, when she has a deadline looming.    It’s not a daily practice.  I’ll put words in her mouth and say it’s when the spirit moves her.

Or forces her.

I asked why it is so hard to write.  Why you question everything, scrap everything, start over 40+ time.

You know what she said?

Fear.

(This she also said while laughing at me.  Of course.  Because you know what?  It’s always fear that stops us.)

So what makes a writer?  And more importantly, how do I become a writer?

Well, that’s what I’m grappling with right now.  Because I don’t just want to write.  I want this to be my career.  I want this to define my life.  I want people to say, “oh, do you know Carmen?  She’s a writer.”

God, that would be so fucking awesome.

So, I’m taking some rather drastic steps to get there.  Ok, they’re not that drastic, but if you’re not one for introspection or that kind of stuff, this might not be for you.

A little over a year ago I began working with a life coach.  It was by far the best investment I have ever made in my own life.  I feel like I finally woke up – like I’m living my life and not just the one that everyone else pretends they enjoy.  I’m working on a few projects that continue this introspection – that allow me to look in, to see what it is that I really want out of my life.  What fuels me?  Who do I want to be?

I encourage you to take this journey with me.  I’m working on Danielle LaPorte’s 30 Day Creative Genius Challenge.  Danielle is AMAZING.  She just, I don’t know, GETS it.  I’m also working on a few other things of hers to encourage my creative growth (I’m just not ready to talk about them yet.)

If you feel like you need a little “growth”, I encourage you to complete the challenge as well.  We’re about 6 days in, but you can catch up.  It’s all for free on Huffington Post (I will link once my computer is cooperating).  We can even talk about it!

I hope you’ll follow along as I’m on this journey.  Yes, it’s no longer about me and my struggles with Hashimoto’s disease.  But for me personally, this is so much more important.  Because this is who I truly am.

Let me know if you’re doing the challenge as well, and let’s play together!

Next up: How do I want to feel?  And why does this question make me feel so uncomfortable?

Sometimes things just hit you smack in the face

Perhaps that’s the longest blog title ever.  Perhaps not.  I’ll be on the look-out.

Anyway, remember when I said “Bring it” at the end of my last post?  This was a response from my good friend, former boss, and in general mentor to me:

Goethe says that when we make a decision – a real decision, not just a “want to” – that all the doors of the universe open to make it happen. You just said “bring it”; I just heard doors slapping open across the cosmos. 🙂

Whoa.  I mean really.  I believed her, I mean “kinda” believed her – in that “yeah, sure, whatever you say” kind of way.

But you know what?  As usual, she was right.

My inbox has been flooded with emails about all kinds of things that have been on my mind to make these things happen, from travel to writing to making your dreams come true and creating your own reality.  Facebook has articles and quotes popping up all over the place.  I guess they could have been there all the time, but now I’m finally ready to listen.  Not just listen, but DO.

I think we get so stuck in whatever our “reality” is at the moment (and that reality is always self-created) that it’s hard to see beyond our own noses.  I was stuck in this “my work sucks I’m sick I can’t do it I don’t want to fail I don’t want to look stupid I’m afraid” thought process that it was hard to see just how fucking easy it is to say YES.

I have lots of ideas, one of which I’m ready to talk about, and one that’s still forming in my mind.  One is a recent dream, the other I’ve had my entire life.  Guess which one I’m ready to talk about?  Yeah, the new one.  Weird how that works.  The thing that I’ve always wanted to do, that my heart has always lead me to, is the one things that scares me the most.  Not just scares, but shakes me to the core.  Because if I lose this, then I lose everything.

But you know what I’ve realized?  I’ll never lose it, because it is me.

 

I’d love to share a few of the blog posts that I’ve come across, and I will as I find them.  In the meantime, here’s one of them.  If you’re a fan of travel stories, I highly recommend that you follow this blog.

http://nomadgrad.com/2012/04/01/the-ask-all-tell-alls-of-nomadic-life-financing-your-fun/ 

 

I’m Back!

My first blog post since my trip and I’m struggling with what to say.

 

I can’t decide if it’s because I have too much to say, or not enough.  What does one say when they return from a trip that may or may not have changed their lives?

 

I know this blog is supposed to be about my struggles (and victories) with Hashimoto’s disease, but it has become much more than that.  While Hashimoto’s does not define me, it is a part of me, a part of my experiences.  There is no separating the disease from me.  So I guess what I’m saying is that if you’re reading this blog because you hope to get support in your own health struggles, that’s great and I hope to provide that, but you’ll have to slog through the other crap going on in my life as well.  Not that it’s all crap – honestly, most of my life is good, great even.  But one doesn’t write about only the good stuff, do they?  If that were the case we wouldn’t have some of the greatest writers and stories.

 

But I digress.

 

I suppose the reason why I haven’t written about Bali, why I “can’t” write about Bali is because so many of my feelings about it haven’t processed yet.  This was a trip like no other, in so many ways.  I hope to start processing them and writing about it soon.  I didn’t even write in my journal while I was gone (except twice) which is slightly annoying, but I also don’t write unless I have to.  (And I wonder why I can’t be a “writer” for a living.)  The spirit didn’t move me.  Or I avoided the spirit, which is the most likely answer.

 

I do know this: like when I returned from Thailand last year, I feel that a shift is occurring.  Like something is physically manifesting itself inside of me.  A change is afoot.  Or something like that.  Of course I have no idea what it is, but I also hope that it happens soon.  I’ve been waiting a year since Thailand – I wonder if my body just forgot that something was supposed to happen.  But now I feel ready – emotionally, physically, spiritually ready for what comes next.  Bring it.